Mercy Said 'No' : The Zoe Sheppard Story

So, I read the book.
All 306 pages in one day….

I opened the first page and all I could hear was Zoe’s voice…"I refused to believe that my God would allow little children to suffer…maintaining my belief became increasingly difficult. But, somehow I managed to hold on to my faith. Because just like the song says Jesus Will Fix It, I knew that someday He would….so I held on to tight hope and prayer." - Page 51.

When I met with Zoe Sheppard a few months ago, it was by chance. Joi Gordon and the other miraculous women of Dress for Success couldn’t stop talking about her. So, I interviewed her. I still remember our meeting in the hotel lobby. Also, I remember not knowing what to expect from her or the interview… I just showed up.

As she spoke boldly and selflessly about every unimaginable situation she’d survived, I kept trying to visualize her life in those ‘lowest’ days. In our one hour thirty minute interview, she took me through her gruesome days as a little black girl raised in New York, in the 1960’s. Physically abused by her grandmother, raped at age 10, and abused by her step-father…she sought escape through narcotics, hardcore prostitution, compulsive stealing and forgery. She did it all. And somehow, after almost 8 incarcerations and over 29 years, she’s still here…

"What I am not able to do myself...God can do", she says.

After that interview, I went back to my room and quickly started reading the book. But after a few pages, I immediately knew this was no book to breeze through…her pain and helplessness jumped right out of the pages. So weeks later, one Saturday…I picked up this (no-holds-barred) book and I entered into the world of a woman once lost, enslaved by drugs, and utterly at the end of her rope. Everyone who loved her watched painfully as she lost all control and 'self'. “It was while I was on these slopes of death that I called for the help of a power greater than myself, God.” –Page 163.

In her book, ‘Poetic Recovery: Life Don’t Rhyme’, Zoe tells of how she ‘wrote’ herself into healing. Many nights in her cell, she’d spent writing over 100 poems that reflect her excruciating past. During this time God became sufficient. “Through it all, I still chose to believe in a God who was a Savior”- Page 53.

See, this was a woman who saw murder first hand, abused as a little girl, exchanged sexual favors for survival, could do anything to feed her addiction…she was a girl who (with each action) was dragged farther into a ‘hell hole’, unthinkable.

But even God Himself declared… “I didn’t come to save the saved…I come for the oppressed, rejected, helpless, broken, shattered, lost, alone and in their darkness…I will bring to them Light”

Throughout the book, Zoe constantly reminds us that her name means, ‘life’. She was determined to get her life back…all that was stolen from her (the years of pain and shame), she knew God would restore. And He did. “This time I was indeed ready to let go and let God.”-Page 265. Somehow, everything that once worked against her, started to work for her. When she was in the streets, her ‘PR’ skills got her into many beds and sustained her addiction, but this time, she used it to work her way through prison.

She volunteered to teach the other women in prison, as well as help write their letters or pleas. She was even labeled by her inmates a TC (therapeutic community) robot. “At this point, I remember thanking God that I graduated high school…as I promised my father I would.” Zoe was ready to get out and she did. Walking right into the hands of the great women of Dress For Success, helped land her first decent job. From there, she took computer classes, and exams to get her certified as a substance-abuse specialist.

After many years of remaining sober, she admits she’s ‘still a work in progress'.Now when she walks the streets of New York, she remembers herself ‘the teenage crack head’ who could do anything for a ‘hit’. “This was an old habit I acquired through my addiction…my eyes zeroed in on empty crack vials and bags that littered the streets”-Page 301.

Today, a free woman, Zoe Sheppard recently self-published her book, still resides in New York and works as an alcohol and substance-abuse assessment specialist for an agency in Manhattan. She’s dedicated to saving the lives of many who continue to suffer from the horrors of addiction.

Here’s a Zoe Sheppard Poem written during her final days behind bars…

To Be
To be or not to be high
That is the question
Whether it is nobler to face life sober and free
Or go in and out of jails to which I have no keys
Living life on life’s terms
This method of living I must learn
Running from reality
Can soon become a fatality
Addiction can only take you from
That beautiful person you could become
So when answering the question
‘Should I get high?’
Know if you respond with the word ‘yes’
You have truly failed yourself
Not allowing yourself to live
Your life to the fullest
Understand if you answer ‘no’
You will be able to show yourself and the world
A person you are now proud to know.

Visit her at zoesheppard.biz or zsheppa@aol.com